I just want to go home.

The four or us seemed so far apart tonight.

I miss my family.  I miss my friends.

Merry Christmas to all.

Left of the Dial

As comfortable as this space was to me a few years ago, it simply isn’t any longer.

The Jake and Penelope that were once are no longer.  Our hearts remain, but we have come a long way since then.

We have become Maxine and Maxwell.

It sings.

We sing.

Sometimes it’s off key but the passion is there, and that’s all that matters in my song book.

Stay tuned for the new show;)

Commando

Last night, as the creeping tendrils of a lucid state were slowly making their way up to my consciousness, I imagined many many things.

My fingers were slowly working my nether regions.  Many nights this is purely something that is done to wind down, to help me sleep.  That being said, there are nights that it just feels good to gently caress my tender bits.

It might be a stretch to say this at this point, but I might just be able to have my cake and eat it too.

I say this knowing the other two sides of the triangle.  Much better than they know one another.  Of course that will change over the course of time, but it will put me in the drivers seat.  That is a position i have not been in for a few years now.  Not since Jake left, and Kansas and I had our wonder year together.  I was for the most part, always the one in the drivers seat.

I was imagining me in the drivers seat wearing the most beautiful harness/strap-on Jake could craft for me, and giving them both the what-for.  Take away from that statement what ever you want, i’m sure it would fit.

I have always enjoyed the thrill of driving with wild abandon, taking the corners way too fast, and generally just letting my balls fly free.

In The Absence of Funk

This might actually just work.

The funk Jake and I have been in has finally begun to melt away, all because of a little lassie that goes by the name of Kansas.

Thats Miss Kansas to you.

 

Triangles

Here I am, once again after a very long hiatus. Hello out there.

The problem I have this time around is that there is so much to say, that I’m not even sure where I should begin.  Hell, I have barely begun to process all that has happened.  Let me re-phrase that.  I have barely begun to process all the possibilities.

Kansas came for a Thanksgiving visit, as she has every year since our Northwestern re-location.  It’s a tradition, one that has our hearts swelling months before she arrives.  It’s like the best five day therapy session money can buy.  All this stuff just comes pouring out of the three of us every night after the squids are safe in bed and out of earshot.  Name an issue, almost any issue that damn near every human on the planet has in common.  Relationships, sex, kids, terrible childhoods, terrible parents, religion, education, work, stress, responsibility, etc…

We talk about all of it till 4am every morning.  Like I said, it’s damn good.

Jake and I fall into terrible patterns of silence at times.  That is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.  The sad thing is that it is becoming more of a routine, that awful silence.  We both work 9-5 jobbie jobs, and the curse of that lifestyle is beginning to set in.  We are not those people.

So Kansas bounces into our lives just in the nick of time.  She gives us both a healthy dose of CPR, tells things like they are, sheds some much needed light on some very dark situations, and quite simply adds a new spice.  You must understand that about Kansas, that’s what she knows best.  She makes everything more savory.  She makes everything sweeter.  Sometimes she can add the sour, or the bitter.

Whatever she adds to the mix it’s always infused with passion, fire and love.

That’s why it’s always so delicious.

Hooky

Sometimes adults just need to play hooky.  For no other reason other than to sleep in an extra hour,  make scrambled eggs and toast,  sit on the couch and read, or just to have a few quiet hours to herself.

I did indeed call in “sick” today, actually I text in sick today.  Weird.  Anyway, I felt pretty confident as I let the lead teacher know that “I feel like hell. I’m staying in bed today”.

Visions of the afternoon were already playing out in my mind.  I had some plans for our lunch date, involving a chair, straps, clips, rope or chains, and heavy rubber.  TOP!

I don’t top very often, and when I do it works, but it can always be better, and more thought out.

more tomorrow….gotta run.

Blocked and such

Yea yea yea, it’s been a long time.

I wish I could say that I have been far too busy to write, but I have not been too busy to write.  Ever.

I’m blocked at the worst time possible.  The blog is one thing, a side thing for my sole enjoyment.  I’m applying to the local university and need to write a pretty heady “personal statement”.  My first thoughts were very much along the lines of “easy-peasy, I can write about me all day long”, and “I know exactly why I choose to be a therapist!”.

Not so much.  I have been reading other personal statements, and they are AWESOME.

I guess I’m just finding it hard to make myself look that dynamic on paper.  Everything comes out reading like a memoir.  I have till tomorrow night, that’s my rough draft deadline.  The whole damn thing needs to be in by Feb. 13.

This feels good.  There have been many false starts in this space, but I really feel ready to come back this time.

I need this right now, just as I did then.

closer

Let’s see if I can pull this off.

I warn you: it might be a bit disconnceted.  It’s been a quite  some time and it might take me a little bit to find the groove.  This is the third attempt today.  I have logged in, and typed utter nonsense kind of like this, and promptly shut the screen proclaiming “i can’t do this”.

My heavy sigh would fill the void for a short moment, then the next thirty minutes would be spent kicking myself mentally over the reasons that caused the emmitance of the sigh.  Arggggg.

So here I am for the fourth time today, and I’m not giving up this time.

As I was gazing upon 12 little toddlers just recently hushed and patted to sleep, I sent this text:  A.D.I.D.A.S.

Maybe it had something to do with the Rock-A-Bye-Baby version of NIN “Closer” playing in the background…..

????? was the reply.  Back when I was in middle school that was code for “all day i dream about sex”

Hence my reply with the added, “with you” on the end.

Here I am making my way back into this, as he is sitting less than two feet away from me toiling away over circuit analysis.

He is not having his way with me in a beastly manner as the aforementioned song refers to.

*sigh*

Blooms

It’s just like anything else positive you step away from, you simply decide to make time for it once again because it made you feel good.

I want to come back to this realm.  I feel like writing again.

That needed to be written.

I will be back tomorrow.

Silver

You would think with all the free time I have had in the last month or so that I would have been writing,  taking up knitting,  learning something new, or at the very least keeping up with my cohorts via all the various social networks…

Obviously there were no posts.  I have the beautiful yarn that forgives mistakes, as well as nice needles, yet no real interest in learning that skill at this point in time.   I joined a local sex-positive center to get the fringe benefits of lectures and classes, such as a class on rope skills in the bedroom.  good stuff.  Although the first time we went to a little intro party, I was just standing around all gussied up wondering where all the young, pretty people were.  It sounds shallow for sure, and on some levels I’m ashamed of myself for admitting that, yet I really did not want to see what I witnessed there that evening…aesthetically speaking that is.

I do check one of my social network accounts once in a blue moon.  To my delight I have found a few friends that were missed.  The friends we all have, the ones that you did not hang out with all the time, the ones who fell outside of your base social network, yet were an important part of your life.  You got drunk with them every other weekend for two years.  You connected.  You moved on, they moved on, you would see them maybe once a year.

It feels nice.

I’m so far away from everyone I adore outside of my core family.

Thank gosh for the internets.